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December 2010

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Waitin' on that ray of light


...And waiting. And waiting. Life has been so frustrating lately, my innate wolf has done nothing but sat back on her haunches with a snarl traced around her lips, ears back, defying anyone to go near her.

While she is doing this, I'm feeling traces of guilt creeping in despite my walls put up to keep it out. I have a warm nest, plenty of food, and a job, which I know I should be ever thankful for. But I can't help wishing I had a different job, a nest somewhere else and some space of my own. Humans tend to be such fickle things, we are constantly looking towards what we want rather than the things we do have. And that is why I feel so damn annoyed all the time, 24/7. To risk sounding like a whingy teenage emo, I hate my life. I hate the house, half the inhabitants in it, and most of all, I hate my job. And I bloody well shouldn't.

The one and only thing I pride (and sometimes dislike) about my personality is my ability to think of the world differently to others. Where people will look at things they don't like and judge them, I look at them and want to know everything about them. If someone looks at a brutal murderer and thinks "What a horrible person, keep away from him." I think: "What an intruiging person, I want to learn everything about him."
It's a strange, occasionally dangerous mindset, but it is unique, my own. I don't force or school myself to think that way, it comes entirely naturally. I wonder at things, I guess at them, I ask about them. I don't make snap descisions and I don't act like other humans.

Which is why my latest behavior is really pissing me off. I can't help it, but I am acting just like a normal human. I am looking at bigger and brighter things, wondering how I can get my hands on them. I'm looking at trying to get a good job to dump the one I have, even though plenty of other people are fruitlessly searching for one. I don't want to think like this. I don't want to be like so many men and women, searching thier whole lives for better things while completely overlooking the wonderful things they already have. I want to live in the moment, to enjoy those little things.

And that's what's confusing about this - I do enjoy life's little things. I can't tell you how much I love curling up with my wolf, devouring a whole, fresh mango, stopping to watch one of my red kites soar, playing around in the snow like a puppy, falling asleep with several alive and dead animals for company. I love those moments, and everytime I am gifted with one I genuinely do think how wonderful it is. It's those sort of moments that make my innate wolf run around with me, tail wagging, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with the freedom and pleasure of it. And then, something happens that makes me drag myself back to reality, and remember why I'm feeling so damn bad all the time. And it makes me realise - Yes, you can find happiness where ever you are, whatever that situation. But that happiness will only go so deep as the freedom you have.

Blargh, I'm tired and I feel like I'm going around in meaningless circles. I know what's frustrating me, I just can't find words to express it. And when I try, I feel bad because it sounds so weak and pathetic, and there are so many others worse off than me with worse mindsets who get along just fine.

I wish I were a stronger person. I wish I was clever, brave, and unafraid. But the truth is, I'm frightened. All the time. And I don't want to be.

Comments

You can't escape from all your human vices now... I too get unhappy with things in my life even though I know I have it really good compared to many. It takes effort sometimes for me to remember to not take things for granted. And it really is easiest to do this once you've lost them.

I wish I were more knowledgeable about the world, wiser, bolder... Perhaps these things come with time and experience? And if I'm not prying, may I ask what it is you are frightened of?

On a completely non-related topic, did you spell "behavior" near the beginning of the fourth paragraph American style or is it common to see it that way in Britain? I thought it would have had a 'u' in it to make it "behaviour."
I'm frightened of.... the future. I'm frightened of the past things that have happened. And I'm especially frightened of change - as much as I yearn for it. A bird that's been caged all it's life will always be afraid of the huge, open sky, even though it may dream of it.

I don't know if these sort of things come with experience.. fears are very hard to get over. Have you ever battled against and won fears or phobias?

No, I miss-spelled it. ^^' It's behaviour here really.
YES. Leaving the country is one of my greatest fears but also one of my greatest dreams. Also, I have a strong fear of the unknown, generally. Unfortunately, that's a lot of what the future consists of, so I get where you're coming from. ^-^; Other than that, I'm not really plagued by phobias.